Transforming Self-Stories for Purposeful Becoming
We are, at our core, storytellers. Long before written language (not to mention Netflix!), humans gathered around fires to share tales that helped make sense of the mysterious world around them. These stories weren't just entertainment—they were survival. They helped us understand patterns, remember dangers, and pass wisdom through generations.
But what happens when the most powerful story we tell is the one about ourselves?
The Evolutionary Power of Personal Narratives
Joseph Campbell, in "The Power of Myth," revealed how storytelling is hardwired into our consciousness[1]. Our brains naturally organize experiences into narratives with beginnings, conflicts, and resolutions. We instinctively seek meaning through story, creating coherent accounts of our experiences to navigate life's complexities. The human operating system is storytelling — you can see it in every aspect of human experience.
This narrative impulse extends beyond cultural myths to the stories we construct about ourselves. Our self-narratives become the lens through which we interpret everything—our capabilities, our worth, our place in the world. They become so familiar that we rarely question their origins or validity.
The Early Authors of Our Stories
"The first draft of who we believe ourselves to be is usually written by others." — Brené Brown[2]
Our self-narratives begin forming in earliest childhood. A parent's casual comment about being "the shy one" or "not good with numbers" plants seeds that grow into defining characteristics. When I was in fifth grade, I was struggling with math so my parents hired a tutor to help me. Looking back, I suspect the creepy math teacher might have played a part in my aversion to the subject, but regardless, I bought into the notion that I was "bad" at math, a limiting self-belief that stayed with me for many years.
Early successes and failures, interpretations of events, and reactions from important adults all leave impressions that coalesce into our foundational story.
These formative experiences occur when our critical faculties are still developing. We absorb these storylines without questioning their accuracy or considering alternative interpretations. The child who receives the message that they're "too sensitive" may carry this label for decades, interpreting their natural empathy as a weakness rather than a strength. This was certainly true in my case. I was so sensitive as a child, I made sure all my stuffed animals were on the bed when I went to sleep so none of them would get their feelings hurt by being left out! After years of teasing for being sensitive I adapted; for a while I completely divorced myself from what my dad referred to as my "bleeding heart" and became the stereotypical Type-A career type with sharp elbows. For some years I thought THIS was who I was.
Society: The Co-Author We Never Hired
Our personal narratives don't develop in isolation. They're heavily influenced by cultural expectations, societal norms, and institutional structures. Consider how gender expectations shape self-narratives—boys learning to suppress emotional expression or girls internalizing beliefs about leadership abilities. Or how economic circumstances influence narratives about possibility and potential.
Media, education systems, cultural traditions, and family dynamics all reinforce certain storylines while discouraging others. These external forces don't just suggest possible storylines—they often prescribe them, defining "normal" and "successful" in ways that may not align with our authentic selves. These influences don't need to be heavy-handed either; they are ubiquitous to our culture and they motivate our thinking and behaviors without our direct awareness.
The Prison of Unexamined Stories
"The story you tell yourself about yourself follows you everywhere." — Shonda Rhimes[3]
Perhaps the greatest trick of these narratives is how invisible they become. We rarely recognize them as stories at all, instead experiencing them as objective reality. "I'm just not creative" feels like a statement of fact rather than an interpretation based on limited evidence. This happens automatically in the mind, it's something that happens naturally, beyond our awareness.
This invisibility creates a powerful trap. We make decisions based on these narratives without conscious awareness. We avoid situations that contradict our stories, creating self-fulfilling prophecies that further reinforce them. The person who believes they're "bad at relationships" may sabotage promising connections that challenge this belief, then point to the failure as evidence their story was right all along. It wasn't until I had an executive role in finance that I was able to challenge the belief that I was bad at math. I had to use literal fact to confront this old lie that I had bought into.
What makes these narratives so persistent is that they serve a purpose—they provide consistency, predictability, and a sense of identity, even when that identity limits our potential. Even painful stories can be comforting in their familiarity.
Liberation Through Consciousness
"The first step toward freedom is recognizing the bars of your cage." — Alan Watts[4]
The path to transformation begins with awareness. As Alan Watts suggested, we must first see how we've been confined by our conditioning before we can move beyond it. This means developing the capacity to witness our narratives rather than being unconsciously defined by them. This separation—between the awareness that observes and the story being observed—creates the space for change. As Ram Dass taught, when we learn to "be here now," we step outside the continuous stream of our narrative thinking and touch something more essential in ourselves[5].
Erich Fromm described this as the difference between "having" and "being" modes of existence[6] In "having" mode, we define ourselves through our possessions, roles, and accumulated stories. In "being" mode, we experience ourselves directly, unburdened by these constructs. The journey involves questioning long-held assumptions: Who would I be if I didn't believe this story? What evidence contradicts my narrative? What alternative interpretations might explain the same events? What parts of myself have I neglected or disowned to maintain this storyline?
Challenging long-held internal beliefs can feel scary because they feel too familiar and safe to question. By allowing ourselves to be curious about possibilities, we might soften out of our rigidity, and enjoy fantasizing about what might be.
Authoring a New Story
Liberation doesn't mean abandoning narrative entirely—it means reclaiming authorship. It means consciously crafting stories that reflect our deepest values and authentic aspirations rather than unconsciously perpetuating inherited limitations.
This isn't about replacing negative stories with positive thinking. It's about developing a more nuanced relationship with narrative itself—recognizing stories as tools rather than truths, as perspectives rather than pronouncements. The most powerful reframing often comes not from changing the facts of our past but from changing how we interpret them. The childhood struggle that was once seen as evidence of inadequacy becomes recognized as the crucible that forged resilience. The sensitivity once experienced as a liability is reclaimed as the foundation of empathy and intuition.
Being-Becoming Coaching: Aligning Inner Truth with Outer Reality
In my coaching practice, I've witnessed the transformative power of narrative work countless times. The executive who reframes their people-focused leadership style from "too soft" to "emotionally intelligent." The creative professional who releases the story that they're "undisciplined" to embrace their non-linear thinking style. The newly empty-nester parent who shifts from having "no identity other than my kids" to remembering their love of art and design.
My approach integrates multiple dimensions of narrative transformation:
Self-Mastery: Integrating habits and routines to strengthen self-alignment
Self-Discovery: Identifying how narratives manifest in decisions and behaviors
Self-in-Flow: Mindful alignment of a more flexible self to a more authentic personal myth
Ethical-Self: Using authenticity to create meaningful connections and service-alignment to the outside world
Self-Actualizing: Taking small actions that challenge limiting narratives
Self-in-Action: Aligning inner shifts with external changes in career, relationships, and life design
This work isn't about denying or repressing past experiences; it's about becoming the author and protagonist of one's own story and life. It's about crafting a narrative aligned with your deepest truth rather than inherited limitations.
Your Story Awaits Rewriting
We cannot escape being storytelling creatures. But we can choose whether our stories confine or liberate us. We can decide whether they're unconscious prisons or conscious creations that evolve as we grow. We cannot escape being storytelling creatures. But we can choose whether our stories confine or liberate us. The opportunity is to figure out what aspects of your story will serve the upcoming chapters of your life and recognizing you have the power to change it.
If you're ready to examine the narratives shaping your life and consciously craft a story aligned with your authentic self, I invite you to explore how coaching can support this transformative journey. Together, we can illuminate the invisible stories holding you back and write new chapters that reflect who you truly are and who you're becoming.
Mary Schaub is the founder of M. Schaub Advisory and host of the Shokubai Shift podcast, helping humans and organizations navigate personal and organizational transformation. Learn more at mschaubadvisory.com or listen to the Shokubai Shift wherever you get your podcasts.
[1]: Campbell, Joseph, and Bill Moyers. "The Power of Myth." Anchor Books, 1991. [2]: Brown, Brené. "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead." Random House, 2015. [3]: Rhimes, Shonda. "Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person." Simon & Schuster, 2015. [4]: Watts, Alan. "The Way of Zen." Vintage Books, 1957. [5]: Dass, Ram. "Be Here Now." Crown Publishing Group, 1971. [6]: Fromm, Erich. "To Have or To Be?" Harper & Row, 1976.
